Today, we address one of the cosmos’ most baffling questions—a question that has kept even the wisest minds in the Andromeda Council scratching their craniums: Why, oh why, are humans so stupid?

Now, let’s be clear. We use the term “stupid” here with the utmost respect and affection. After all, stupidity is a core part of what makes humans so wonderfully entertaining. It’s almost an art form to them. This unique blend of hubris and ignorance, mixed with occasional bouts of brilliance, makes them unlike any other species we’ve observed. They are, in short, the galaxy’s most endearing disaster.

Let’s start with their decision-making processes—or lack thereof. Humans have an astonishing talent for choosing the worst possible option at every critical juncture. Whether it’s investing all their resources in fossil fuels while standing on a melting ice cap or trusting their life savings to someone named “CryptoBro69” on an unregulated internet forum, their capacity for poor judgment knows no bounds. It’s almost as if they collectively decided that logical thinking was overrated and that the best way to learn was through trial, error, and repeated personal injury. One might admire the sheer consistency of it, if one were not too busy laughing.

Take, for example, their pursuit of happiness. Rather than simply enjoying what they have—a perfectly reasonable approach—they instead focus on accumulating objects they neither need nor truly want. They’ve even developed entire industries to help them buy things to fill the emotional void created by buying other things. It’s capitalism as self-medication, with a generous side of existential crisis. Ironically, the more they chase happiness, the further away it seems to get. The cosmic equivalent would be if one of us decided to build a rocket ship to reach a neighboring star, but aimed it directly into the event horizon of a black hole. You can’t help but admire their dedication, even if you’re unsure whether to laugh or feel sorry for them.

And then there’s their relationship with technology. Ah, technology: the double-edged sword of humanity. Humans have managed to create machines capable of out-thinking them, which, to be fair, wasn’t all that hard. Yet, rather than using these technological marvels to advance as a species, they mostly use them to send each other pictures of what they had for lunch or to argue anonymously with strangers. Their obsession with social media—a misnomer if there ever was one—has turned into a kind of digital gladiatorial arena, where humans verbally spar for fleeting validation. They essentially invented a device capable of accessing the sum total of human knowledge and decided to use it for cat memes and conspiracy theories. Brilliant!

But, dear readers, let’s not forget the pièce de résistance of human stupidity: their insistence on destroying their own habitat. Picture this: a species that has discovered how to split atoms, decode their own DNA, and send robotic probes to other planets. And yet, they seem utterly incapable of figuring out that chopping down the very forests that produce their oxygen might be a bad idea. It’s as though they are actively trying to speedrun the collapse of their civilization, just to see how quickly they can make it to the end credits. Climate change? Not their problem—at least, not until it’s literally lapping at their doorstep. Humans possess all the tools necessary to save themselves but can’t seem to agree on the color of the toolbox.

And perhaps the most puzzling aspect of all: they think they’re the smartest species on the planet. This is an assertion they like to repeat, often while attempting to unlock their own car with a banana or electing a soup-brained celebrity game show host as their leader. Their supreme confidence in their own intelligence is charmingly misplaced, but, to their credit, it’s also what keeps them striving. Against all evidence, they believe they can figure it out eventually, even if the rest of the galaxy knows better. It’s this relentless, stubborn optimism that somehow makes their stupidity almost inspiring. Almost.

So, to answer the question: Why are humans so stupid? Well, because they’re human, of course.