Greetings, universal intelligentsia! Today, we are rather pleased to announce a momentous (and undeniably amusing) occasion in universal journalism: the Universal News Network’s launch of “HumaNews,” premier reporting on planet Earth’s most self-assured species, the so-called “humans.” If nothing else, this should serve as a fascinating exercise in cosmic comedic relief—and perhaps an instructional guide on what not to do.

One might reasonably ask: why bother with humans, these fragile, bumbling beings clinging to their damp, celestial pebble? Ah, but that is precisely why! The allure of their boundless contradictions and their often misguided attempts at progress provides endless entertainment. Humans are a species that sees wonders in the mundane and chaos in the grand. They destroy, they wreak havoc, and somehow still insist they’re evolved. And it’s precisely these absurd stories that we intend to share, if only to reassure ourselves that, no matter how misguided our own civilizations may be, at least we don’t destroy our planets and call it “progress.”

HumaNews will bring our readers stories that focus on humanity’s baffling commitment to inequality. Despite their technological prowess and seemingly endless potential, they still haven’t managed to ensure basic necessities like food, shelter, and clean water for all their people. It’s an astounding paradox—their planet is practically bursting with resources, yet they manage to leave millions of their own kind without even the basics. Meanwhile, a select few accumulate vast amounts of wealth and resources, hoarding them like they’re preparing for a gold-plated apocalypse. One might think they’d eventually work together for the common good, but no—it’s every human for themselves. We will bring you the most ludicrous examples of this phenomenon—like a species capable of sending machines into space but somehow unable to provide housing for those sleeping in the rain. If Earth were a cosmic morality play, humans would be both the hero and the villain, forever sabotaging their own best efforts while pretending not to notice.

And of course, we must cover the delightfully bewildering human concept of “politics.” Imagine a game where everyone loses, but everyone still insists on playing anyway. Politics, as practiced by humans, is a spectacle of persuasion, betrayal, incompetence, and promises made only to be broken. It’s a system seemingly designed to keep the entire species in a perpetual state of frustration and exasperation—an endless loop of disillusionment and renewed hope. The best part? They keep coming back for more. Despite all evidence to the contrary, humans genuinely believe that their political system will eventually work in their favor. It’s either a testament to their unmatched optimism or their impressive capacity for self-delusion. For us, it’s a front-row seat to one of the greatest comedy-dramas the cosmos has ever produced—a mix of grand ambition, spectacular failure, and the occasional, accidental triumph.

And then, of course, we have the human stories of conflict and resilience. They are both builders and destroyers. Their planet is riddled with the scars of their ambitions, mistakes, and attempts to “conquer” the world around them. Yet, despite all the havoc they wreak, they just keep going. Their resilience is almost heroic—if not for the fact that they’re often bouncing back from catastrophes they themselves created. There’s a certain comedic beauty to their endless cycle of destruction and rebuilding, as though they believe that if they keep at it long enough, they’ll eventually get it right. It’s that kind of naiveté that almost makes you root for them, if only out of curiosity to see what they’ll mess up next.

So, esteemed readers, on our adventure through this journalistic frontier, we will discover not just stories, but the very essence of what makes humans so uniquely… well, human. It’s a chaotic blend of brilliance and idiocy, of resilience and recklessness. Even with all their glaring flaws, there’s something strangely captivating about their desperate quest to make sense of existence. Perhaps it’s the fact that they keep trying—despite all the setbacks, despite the overwhelming evidence that the universe is, in fact, indifferent to their plight. Who knows—maybe one day, against all odds, they’ll figure it out. And if not, at least we’ll have a few good laughs along the way.

So let us tune in, watch their blunders, and enjoy the cosmic soap opera that is the human condition. In the end, we may just learn a thing or two about our own existence. After all, their story might not be so different from ours—except that we have the distinct advantage of knowing when to laugh at ourselves.